Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
