Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
