Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
