God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
