You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
