She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have aggressive nipples.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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