What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
