so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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