She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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