I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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