Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
