I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize