can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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