True but thats because hes a fetus.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
