who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
