Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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