I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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