I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
there is glitter all over my balls
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