Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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