If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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