I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
