Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
