Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
