i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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