Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
