i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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