yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize