I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize