This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
