I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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