I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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