Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
