Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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