I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
