Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
