Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
