the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
