I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
