I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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