Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
