Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
