is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
