Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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