im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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