I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
