sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
