Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
