Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize