remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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