If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
