There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I still have a little drunk in my system
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
