He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
