he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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