I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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