He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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